“25 Days and 25 Ways” to Build a Happy, Long Lasting
Marriage
Dating and marriage is different than it was twenty years
ago. In today’s society, more than 50% of all marriages fail for one reason or
another. Just thinking about that makes “commitment” seem scary. It seems that
when relationships are faced with challenges, people quit trying. Dating is more
like a marathon, trying to date as many people as possible,
Instead of taking time to get to know someone at a deeper level. For married
couples, divorce is not biased. Whether married for thirty years or eight
months, the outcome can be the same. The fact is that relationships, whether
dating or married, are hard. Things do not always go perfectly, fighting does
occur, and it takes a 100% commitment from both parties to make it a success.
Often when people break off a relationship, they feel as though something is
missing. The “spark” has gone, leaving one or both people feeling inadequate and
unfulfilled. However, even though the odds are not very good, healthy, and
long-lasting relationships are definitely possible and proven by many people.
What secrets do long lasting relationships possess? The answer is that they all
work hard at their relationship. They made a decision of choosing to love their
mate rather than relying on the “warm and fuzzy” feelings, which everyone knows
will fade.
By making love a choice you are making a decision that even in the bad times,
you stick it out. Think of it like choosing a car. You pick out the make, model,
year, colour, and features that you believe are best for you. After driving your
car for a couple of months, you realize that perhaps you should have purchased a
larger car, or that maybe the leather seats would have been better, or on hot
sunny days, the sunroof would have been nice. However, it is now too late so you
choose to keep your car and make it work. It is the same for marriage. Not
everything will be perfect and there will be major obstacles to overcome but you
have made your decision and now you choose to make it work. There are hundreds
of things you can do to better your relationship. To help get you headed in the
right direction, we have chosen 25 days and 25 ways to build, strengthen, and
enhance your relationship. Remember, little steps taken every day will add up to
big successes.
- Start Over
When couples first get together, everything is new and exciting. They overlook
the little annoying things the other person does. However, after time, the
nagging starts, instead of hearing, “You look beautiful,” they might hear “Why
are you wearing that shirt?” If this sounds like your relationship, first, the
two of you need to sit down and be honest that things have changed. Identify the
things each other did in the beginning of the relationship that created the
attraction in the first Place. Then together, make a commitment to start over. The truth is, both of you
will have to work on this. It will not automatically be easy but it is possible.
Start by forgiving each other, forgetting the past, and then start over with the
flirtation. Focus only on the special things your mate does and relearn to put
the unimportant things aside. It will take some time so be patient.
- Schedule Time
Spending quality time together is crucial. This time can be with friends, dining
out, attending a sporting event, or cuddling together while watching a favourite
movie. The activity is not what is important but the fact that you are together,
doing something that you both enjoy. People have extremely busy schedules and
between work, family, the home, errands, and everything else going on, finding
time for your mate can be difficult. Just as you would schedule a meeting on
your calendar, show some courtesy in the relationship by scheduling time with
each other. Once the plan is in place, no backing out unless you have some life
and death emergency.
- The Power of Touch
When a child is ill, doctors will tell you that it is proven that a simple,
loving touch of a parent can quickly pull the child through a crisis. It is the
same for relationships. Playing with your mate’s hair, rubbing their hand, a
soft kiss on the neck, a soft pat on the leg or giving a gentle back rub will
make a huge difference in how your mate responds to you. When was the last time
you walked up to your mate for no reason and without saying a word,
affectionately placed a kiss on their neck? This is not in a sexual way, but an
affectionate way. There is a difference. The next time the two of you are
sitting in the car, at the grocery story, or standing in line at the theatre,
quietly reach over and take their hand. Do not be surprised if you get a strange
look of curiosity the first time!
- Surprise
If you and your mate have scheduled some time for a Friday night dinner, put
together a surprise instead. For example, if your mate loves professional
wrestling, buy some tickets near the front or if they like concerts, purchase
the tickets ahead of time, getting the best seats possible. When Friday night
comes around, insist on driving and head toward the location where the event is
taking place. When asked where you are going, simply answer, “I have a surprise
for you. I know you love professional wrestling so I purchased two great seats
for tonight’s performance,” or “I know we had planned on going to dinner, but I
wanted to surprise you with something special. I purchased tickets to see one of
your favourite groups in concert.” The idea of you getting the tickets for
something THEY like and then keeping it as a special surprise will touch the
heart!
- Needed Space
As important as it is to spend quality time together, it is equally important to
give each other time to do something they like. If your mate loves to fish but
you have no desire to bait a hook with little, slimy worms, or if you like to go
to the car show but your mate would rather do something different, encourage
each other to take time apart. Try establishing a set time for this very
purpose, if possible. For example, perhaps you could determine that every other
Friday night is “singles “night. This is not a time to date other people, but to
enjoy preferred activities. Remember that you have to place trust in your
relationship. To see what they did, whom they were with, and where they went,
then the exercise has failed.
- No Debates
If you know that you and your mate have proven differences in opinion on certain
subjects, avoid those subjects. As the two of you Identify new topics that could
cause a debate session, stop the conversation before it even gets started.
- Filler Talk
If you are married, especially with children, break out of the habit of talking
about nothing. Many times, families will be sitting around the dinner table and
the conversation consists of, “Do you like your carrots?”, or “I wonder what is
on TV tonight?” Instead, change your strategy to include real questions, showing
real interest. Replace the normal, “Did you have a good day at work?” with “Tell
me what you did at work today.” Even if you do not understand everything being
said, listen with interest. It is not that you are so much interested in the
work, but your mate’s life.
- Re-establish Old Traditions
If you and your mate had a tradition of some kind when you first got together,
dust it off and breathe life back into it. Perhaps you met after work on Friday
at a local dinner place, washed your cars together every Saturday morning, or
attended church together on Sunday. Whatever it was, re-establish the tradition.
- Predictability
If asking couples the factors involved in the demise of their relationship, one
of the common responses is that everything in the relationship is so
predictable. When rebuilding a relationship, do not be afraid of letting go of
boredom. If you normally hate the fact that Saturday afternoons consist of your
mate sitting for hours watching football, fix some finger sandwiches and
something cool to drink and go join them on the couch, or if your mate spends
hours in the garden trying to make things look perfect, surprise them with a new
flowering plant, and then help to plant it. When taking a walk with your mate,
stop and give them a soft kiss, say, “I love you,” and then keep walking. Take
some chances and do the unexpected.
- Lighten Up
Often when couples have gone through or are going through some bumpy spots in
their relationship, things tend to get serious. It could be that there is a
tremendous amount of tension or perhaps they are not sure what to say.
Regardless of the reason, learn to lighten up. Do not take every comment,
glance, or movement as a serious problem. If your mate makes a mistake, which
you both will, let it go, or if appropriate, laugh about it. If you make a
mistake, do not be afraid to poke fun at yourself. This will automatically start
the process of tension breaking.
- Communicate
When couples are having problems in a relationship, communication is the first
thing to stop. It is often easier to just be quiet than to get mad. When
rebuilding relationships, just as communication was the first to stop, it now
needs to be the first to start. This will require that both individuals let down
their guard and pretty much throw caution to the wind. Healing in the
relationship cannot start until you talk. Make an agreement that you will talk
about anything and everything and that you will listen, really listen. That does
not mean that you will agree with everything, which is perfectly fine. However,
if you do not agree, do not yell, rather, the two of you need to calmly discuss
the issue and together, work out a solution. This is hard work but within a very
short time, you will both feel much
Better, individually and as a couple.
- A Night of Passion
Intimacy and passion in relationships is not only important but also healthy.
Couples need to enjoy being together in an intimate way. When relationships are
troubled, the last thing either person wants is to be sexual or passionate with
each other. However, this is a part of the healing and rebuilding of the
relationship and although it might be awkward in the beginning, it is crucial.
Make your intimate time together special. Surprise your mate with a warm bubble
bath, lighted candles, soft music, and a bottle of wine, or reserve a nice
romantic evening at a local hotel to include a wonderful candlelit dinner, fine
wine, and a beautiful room.
- Dinner Party
Start a new tradition of hosting a dinner party every other month or two and
inviting several of you and your mate’s friends. Set up board games that
everyone will enjoy, have some light and lively music playing, and plan to have
a blast. Spending time with friends in this kind of setting is a great way to
reduce stress. When stress is low, couples get along better. This is a wonderful
way to interact with each other’s friends as a couple.
- Happy Birthday
As people grow older, in general, birthdays become less celebrated. Gifts are
quickly given, meals eaten, and it is over. For your mate’s next birthday, take
some time to plan something very special. Make this a true celebration of their
life as a way of showing your love and appreciation. Every person, even adults,
like attention and love to be appreciated. Whether a surprise party or not, your
mate will be impressed that you went to all the effort just for them.
- Secret Getaway
Plan a nice weekend getaway to some place off the beaten track where you can
enjoy some privacy. A quaint cottage or charming bed and breakfast would be
ideal choices. Scout out the area ahead of time and choose a few things that
the, Two of you would like to do in the area but just be sure to leave plenty of
time for you to enjoy some alone time. Order a nice bottle of wine or some hot
cappuccino and relax in front of the fire! Make this a romantic weekend where
You can rekindle your love.
- Breakfast in Bed
When was the last time you or your mate were served breakfast in bed? Never? On
a Saturday or Sunday, when nothing special is planned, get up a little early and
fix their favourite breakfast. Include the morning newspaper as an added bonus.
Although they may be shocked, you can be guaranteed that this gesture of love
will be appreciated.
- That Kiss
As couples become comfortable with each other, kisses can become lame. Get rid
of the pecks and get serious with the kisses. The next time the two of you greet
each other, enjoy your kiss and do not be so quick to stop. While there are
Appropriate times for serious kissing, they should be loving, sincere, and
passionate, regardless of how long they last. You will find that as you pay
attention to your kissing and let your mate know that you enjoy kissing them,
you will both feel better about your relationship?
- Be Kind to One Another
Unbelievably, kindness is often over simplified. Even good relationships can
lack acts of kindness. This refers to “Do unto others…” Simple acts of kindness
can have huge impacts on a relationship. If your husband or boyfriend is out
working on the car on a hot summer day, make a thermos of ice-cold tea and take
it to him, giving him a gentle kiss. If your wife or girlfriend has been working
at the computer all day, walk up behind her and massage her shoulders and neck.
You get the idea. Kindness means looking at the other person’s situation and
seeing what you can do or add to that situation to make it better or easier.
This is a way to validate your respect for each other. Kindness will go a long
way in a relationship.
- Listen – Really Listen
Get into a habit of listening to what your mate is saying. Not the kind of
listening that you do when you go out or sit at the dinner table, but a
different kind of listening. Have you ever overheard your mate make a comment to
a friend or Family member about something they really want or want to do? Maybe
you heard your boyfriend or husband tell a friend that they would love a certain
tool. For no reason whatsoever, make a special effort to get that for him. You
might have heard your girlfriend or wife mention a spa that they would love to
try. Again without any reason, surprise her. This shows that your mate is really
paying attention to things important to you.
- Be Yourself
Do not be phoney in your relationship, trying to be someone or something
different as a way to please your mate. For a relationship to work, both people
need to be themselves and react to things naturally. Just imagine if you are
really kind of on the silly side, enjoying life to the fullest. Then you meet a
wonderful person who is much more conservative than you are. Because you are
attracted to them, you try to squelch your normal vibrant personality. You are
miserable and eventually, the person is going to be exposed to the “real” you.
You have to base any relationship on honesty or it will eventually fall apart.
- Maintain Your Health
You might think – what does good health have to do with a good relationship? In
reality, it has a lot to do with it. Having a good relationship means having the
energy to enjoy getting out and doing things together. To do that, it is
important to eat right. When people are tired, they become short-tempered and
frustrated. For this reason, it is important to get the right amount of sleep.
Good exercise keeps your body in shape for being adventurous together. Taking
care of your body and mind will flow over into your relationship and make you a
calmer, stronger, and better-balanced person.
- Leave the Baggage Behind
Every person on the face of the Earth has some kind of history, or “baggage”,
although at varying levels. Do not walk into a relationship with your arms
loaded with that baggage. The past is the past. Even though there are things
from the Past that are hurtful, and even damaging, learn from those things and
come out a better and stronger person. This allows you to step into a new
relationship with better knowledge of what not to do. Leave the baggage from the
past alone, focus on today, and look forward to tomorrow.
- Do Not Repeat, Do Not Repeat, Do Not Repeat
Learn from your mistakes. When something goes wrong and the two of you work
through it, do not repeat the same mistake. Rather than dive right back into
whatever it was you did or said, think before you act. At first, this will take
some discipline but as you see positive results in the relationship, be
encouraged that it’s working.
- What does it mean to love God more than everything else?
Our love for God should be more important than anything else on earth. God is a
jealous God and guards His right to have first place in our hearts. Sometimes He
uses circumstances to test our love for Him. Psalm 37:4 says that when we make
God our delight, then He gives us the desires of our hearts. Everything good in
life finds its proper place when God is first.
- THE MOST important of all: God must be first place in our lives
Half-heartedness and apathy produce bad attitudes and mediocre results. When we
don’t respect our own commitment level, others will not either. God calls His
children to be wholehearted and committed to excellence. When we do our best for
God, we maximize our influence on others, we produce quality work, and we yield
a reward back from God. As believers, we need to stop the apathy.
Live and love God with all your heart.